What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 18:44
I will be 64.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was scared of men, in general
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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I never cut or harmed myself..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why can’t the British eat or drink anything unless they place a table cloth on the table first?
This is soul school!.
What did i know ?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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I was seconnd youngest,
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why do unattractive men assume that a pretty woman like me want them?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She loved him until the end.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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Was to survive, this bastard.
She married twice! .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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One cannot live in the past .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was very sick at this time too.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She was in good health!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We all went to grammer schools
I waited trembling.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
So, i spoilt her more .
I said to her
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
All the time i was locked up.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Ive learnt so much.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Would this be the day?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I don,t even have a pension.
He knew the spot.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So whats the point in blame.
I have no regrets .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im still living with it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We were not on the streets..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why did i forgive my father ?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was 9 years of age.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I write beautiful poetry .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But it wasn’t much.
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But, we were locked up after school.
I think the readers, may guess!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Comes on , in middle age.
And i lived it daily.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My family never makes their pension either.
Put me off passion for life!!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
When she asked me how she looked .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She found it foreign!.
It was going to be , some day.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My life is so biszare .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Who then, do I blame.?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!